i dont know why i keep being like this. i dont even know why im writing this. i dont even know what i wanna write. i do, but i cant think well enough right now to properly organize it and actually put it into words. im just so tired. i wish i could take a break from life. not permanently, but like, take a day off. disappear into a pocket dimension where time freezes and nothing happens outside of it. its a blank white room, but i can imagine whatever i want in there and just relax.
i was dming that good friend of mine, jacob, about some stuff we wont go into right now. i had a weird sudden burst of depression while i was talking to him, and he was kind of venting to me a few minutes after it happened. i was abt to dm him how i was gonna cry not just because i was sad but also because of some weird inexplicable, unexplainable feeling i was getting just talking to him, a mix of gratefulness, sympathy, compassion, happiness, admiration, excitement, plus my own sadness thrown in there too. i held back from saying it, and just decided on telling him straight up that i loved him. i kind of didnt want to because i didnt know how to make sure it came off as platonic without having to awkwardly declare the fact straight up, but then he basically just said "thanks for listening" and said goodnight. i didnt end up sending it, of course. im leaving a ton out and making it sound like nothing, but idk. i really dont know what to feel anymore. he obviously doesnt know that ive had a shitty day friends-wise, but that genuinely just made me feel worse. ive felt liek such a horrible person today, then my friend just dipping after, idek what any more. i just. need a break. i hope tomorrow, i dont wake up in my body, but instead in that blank room i wish i could go to. and when i want to go back, i lay in bed, fall asleep, and come back to the real world. i just really need a break.
i dont know whats wrong anymore.