Genuinely, just... What am I doing? Where am I going? What are my plans, what are my goals, what will I be? I don't know what I want to do after high school, I don't know what I'd study in college, I don't know what my interests are or what I'd enjoy as a lifelong career, hell, I don't even know if I'll live after high school. Every plan I've ever had has either fallen through or have had countless holes poked through them. I don't want to be alive now, so why would I plan for a future that I won't be in, right?

I'm so angry tonight for no reason, and I have no clue why. I was so angry that I couldn't finish a quick history project that's due in class tomorrow. Normally, I wouldn't care since it's only 30 points and I hate that class anyway, but I'm working with a friend on it so I can't. I'd like to say it's just stress getting to me, but I don't think I deserve to use that as an excuse. I can't sleep, it's 1am, and I want to sleep but can feel that I can't. It's just so crazy to me how fast time can pass. I was working on this since 10pm, but gave up around 11:30. I'm such an angry person lately, and I have reasons why, but I am so horrible at explaining that I fall flat and end up looking like an asshole. I hate school, I hate life, I hate my friends, online and in-person, I hate my parents, I hate being sad, I hate being happy, I hate being creative, I hate not being creative enough, I hate being poor, I hate not having anything to do or anywhere to go, I hate not having an escape. This is why I stopped listening to ambient music, because I get like this. Why do I have to be like this all the time? This was always here, I've just been bottling it up until I had a place to spit it all out. I'm so angry, and I'm so tired of being angry. Everything just pisses me off. School, my friends, being sick, projects, being creative, the data center that's going to be built in my town, everything.

I just want to go to sleep, man. Can I just go to bed at a time I like, without being either absolutely drained of any and all energy or surprisingly, horribly sick? I hate being negative too, because my ex boyfriend made me feel like I wasn't allowed to be depressed, or even just temporarily sad. My emotions simply just bogged him down, and everyone around us too. I'm upset because my teacher was an asshole to me today, but I feel better an hour later because I talked to him? Doesn't matter, I still went and felt sad. I just hate talking to anybody, online or in-person, about how I feel anymore because of him. Even if a close friend that I trust with that stuff asks me how I'm doing, I don't tell them the truth anymore. I've simply just put up another wall, another barrier of 'fine.' Ever since he came back, I've been so angry. He upsets me greatly. Especially after coming back after having me blocked for 10 months, then sending me a friend request after an hour of sitting in the same group vc together, and acting like nothing happened? I want to dm him something, voice my grievances, but I don't even know what I'd say. Not to mention the fact that our dms together from 10 months ago when he broke up with me are still right there, right above whatever messages I could send to him. I want to say something, anything, but I don't know what that'd be. I regret ever missing you, and I wish I could have never dated you. But I'm also grateful that you've come back, because it allowed me to realize that I should be very, very, angry. Thank you, D. I don't even like to type or say your name anymore, username or real.